Dealing with Gaslighting
There is something about showers that makes your brain go into creative mode, maybe it’s the gentle feeling of water droplets falling on your skin, or maybe it’s one of the few moments when we’re genuinely in the moment with no phone in the way.
Not all of them are good though. Somedays you get a flashback of little Giovanni being an insufferable prick in middle school.
I guess today was one of them.
Whilst shampooing my scalp, I got teleported back to an episode during my first year of Uni.
I was at a chill house party chilling on the sofa, among the people there was S, a tiny girl from my course who is friends with M, a girl from a different Uni.
Now, M is a nice kind-hearted person, but not one of those people who you’d be stunned by their looks, this detail will be crucial to what comes next.
While the others were preparing the drinks and snacks, somehow the three of us ended up scrolling on social media and we stumbled upon a magazine cover of a model wearing a Dobok (taekwondo uniform) striking a martial art pose.
They were commenting on how good she looked and M goes on to reveal that she too, has done taekwondo for years while looking at me inviting me to comment.
What comes next had me stunned still to this day.
I said: “Oh wow I didn’t know that. That’s actually pretty cool, I always wanted to learn martial arts! But I don’t think Taekwondo is what has got her on that cover”.
S let out a loud and dramatic GASP, like one of those from a sitcom, totally interrupting what I was gonna say next.
She went on to say that I was being so mean for making that comment and being a duche towards M, saying I was calling her ugly for no reason.
I was shocked and confused, struggling to understand what was going on.
What’s worse is that now the others were back in the living room joining in the drama and looking at me, left wondering what I said.
My confusion turned quickly into panic, trying to explain how that was nowhere near what I was saying, fumbling half-sentences, which made me look guilty as charged.
Damn it brain!
If I had my shit together I would have said that:
“I was referring to the fact that that is not a sports magazine, which is performance related, but a shallow beauty magazine for women. S is being a douche for projecting her own view of M onto me for no reason. And by the way, none of us in this room are Cover Magazine worthy”.
Just like one of those annoying times, when you argue with your sibling, and on the angry walk afterward you come up in your mind with the perfect comeback.
However, that battle was lost.
I was left with a bitter taste in my mouth for days thinking of that conversation, back then gaslighting wasn’t even used as a word, though that episode left me with 2 important lessons.
Number 1, when dealing with psychos and manipulators always keep your cool, especially when you’re innocent, they prey on weakness and indecision. Pause to collect your thoughts, however awkward it might feel, and explain yourself calmly while keeping eye contact.
I’ve learned throughout the years that girls love to keep less attractive girls in their circles of friends to boost their ego, and occasionally they like to remind them of that by making indirect remarks.
In this case, I just got into the crossfire, and an easy target to get the blame.
It’s fucked up, I know, but unfortunately true.
I’ve seen it times and times again since then and now I cannot unsee it when it happens.
Number 2, guys’ and girls’ brains work in subtly different ways, hard to notice if you don’t pay attention.
When guys talk about a topic, they stay on target with tunnel vision.
Girls, however, are all over the place, and sometimes they connect dots with things from their past without explaining the context.
Don’t believe me?
Ask any dude if their girlfriend/wife ever got mad at them in a conversation, without them understanding why. You’re gonna have a field day, trust me.
I still cringe to this day thinking about it, but these moments are a good frame of reference for how to act in the future.
We have a lot of smart devices nowadays, but we are still dumb monkeys at heart.
Sometimes we need to burn our hands on the hot pot to learn not to touch it the next time.
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